RetroNick: Games Collector

For a time, I thought I had grown as a person. I’ve been more objective. I’ve tried to be more patient. And I thought I was done with getting irrationally angry over shit that simply does. Not. Matter… You proved me wrong, Sony. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU PEOPLE THINKING?!

No, this sudden resurgence of hate for Sony isn’t repressed feelings over the fall of the Saturn at the hands of the Playstation; but for the destruction of what are arguably some of the more important franchises in the rich tapestry of video game lore. Yes, the classic cabinets, ripped ROMs, and countless ports will always be there to ground us, but do you want this generation to learn about Pac-Man, Space Invaders, and Donkey Kong, from the creative force behind I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry? Because that’s what’s happening.

Throw on your mittens, kids. The following may induce spontaneous fits of eye gouging.

I could actually feel the skin on my face getting hot to the touch, and my heart rate hastening to an unreasonable rate watching this. I don’t think I’ve been this angry over crap like this since I watched Transformers Revenge of the Fallen. Yeah, you could say we all watched the short film, Pixels and thought about what an awesome movie that would make, but if we had any clue this is what we were going to end up with, would we have still asked for it? Seriously, I thought this trailer was a joke when it started.

Have a little respect, Sony. This is like asking your parents for a bunny and having them serve you rabbit for dinner. I don’t know what’s more infuriating, that you think we’re that stupid, or that this movie is still going to make hundreds of millions of dollars off of fucking assholes and idiots. If you see this movie, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM!

This flick, is not a love letter to the fans of retro gaming or the 80s. All this is, is a shallow, by the numbers, schlock fest, that was designed to make money. It hits all the right notes. Nostalgia, spectacle, and name recognition with the inclusion of-the more appropriately named by the day, Peter Dinklage. Because he sure does look like a fuckin’ dink in this shit fest. This movie was obviously written by a committee that recognized the potential in the original short film, took that audience, and multiplied it by the box office returns of shit like Paul Blart Mall Cop, and Hotel Transylvania. Then you couple that with the rising star power of Dinklage, and you have a recipe for box office gold. If you think this movie was made for any other reason than to just line the pockets of a bunch of cynical, fat assholes that regard you as little more than cattle, then it’s time for a wake up call.

Perhaps you’re into wishful thinking like some people are into scatalogical porn. “Maybe this can be good.” You say to yourself. Well, I know opinions are subjective, but, there are times when even I can get behind the mob and don my pitchfork and torch. Let’s have a look at some review scores.

Above are the last 19 films Kevin James starred in and their ratings from RottenTomatoes.com at the time of writing. The films outlined in orange are ones in which the King of Queens costarred with the exceptional individual from Punch Drunk Love. Not only do over half his films from the past 11 years costar the shrieking fuckwit from Little Nicky, but nearly all of those are the lowest rated movies on this list. You want to know why that won’t stop this from happening? Because look at the box office returns, baby! People are only too eager to eat this shit up, and Pixels will easily double the box office of any of these movies, and it’s your fault. Seriously, even Sony hates Adam Sander. They keep putting him in shit because you fucks keep buying it.

Tell Hollywood you’re sick of their bullshit by sitting this one out. It’s high time we told the man that we aren’t just some mindless cash dispensers that they can feed Taco Bell and assault with flashy lights, epic sound tracks, and pixelated explosions all day. Avoid this movie like it was your parents fucking.

UPDATE: This angry rant has inspired Tuesday’s RNR comic! I may have embellished panel 3 a bit, but it seemed like an accurate representation at the time.

joliet_jane March 23, 2015 at 11:05 am -

As a kid I was a fan of Sandler in the 90s when he was on SNL, even before he made Happy Gilmore. My sister and I bought one of his “Parental Advisory”-rated CDs and my parents found it and took it away. I liked his 90s stuff, and I even liked The Waterboy. The he started sucking like a greedy jerk. Meanwhile, none of his friends have anything bad to say about him, not like Chevy Chase. It’s so weird– I hate Adam Sandler, but I don’t /really/.

So I’ve been waiting 15 years for Sandler to be good again, the way it was in my youth. Could this be it? Could this be the GOOD Sandler movie I’ve been wanting?

No… probably not. :-/
- Retronick March 23, 2015 at 11:44 am -
  
  I gotta tell ya, I admire your optimistic attitude. I too was a huge fan of Sandler growing up as a nineties kid. I liked his work on SNL, his explosive anger (that I can relate to), in roles like Happy Gilmore, and his surprising range in The Wedding Singer (one of the few roles he’s done where he doesn’t try to come off as brain dead).
  
  That said, you’re right, he’s a greedy fuck that makes movies to make him and his washed up friends money these days. Flicks like “Jack and Jill” and “Grown Ups” are utterly obvious in their shallow agenda when you consider the budget to make movies like that shouldn’t run 10 million dollars, let alone 80 Million.
  
  If you feel the need to see this, I would suggest either using a gift card or waiting until it comes down the pipe via streaming. Somehow I doubt this is the return to form for Sandler that we’d hope for.
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retirement quotes December 25, 2018 at 4:30 am -

I will devices this analyze toward 2 versions of men and women: latest Zune householders who are contemplating an up grade, and All those making an attempt in direction of decide among a Zune and an iPod. (There are other gamers truly worth looking at out there, which includes the Sony Walkman X, however I assume this delivers on your own enough data towards make an aware option of the Zune vs gamers other than the iPod line as perfectly.)

RetroNick: Games Collector // Be careful what you wish for… Idiots.

Be careful what you wish for… Idiots.